Notes From New York #6

One final note...

Part 5 here:

Here’s what I’ve done: Rockefeller, nearly every inch of Central Park, the Guggenheim, the Freedom Tower, the Statue of Liberty, the Vessel, Washington Square Arch… I have walked tens of thousands of steps, exhausting myself as much of possible. I’ve eaten pretzels, bagels, pizza slices; stuff that can be eaten on the go.

I’ve explored alone, I’ve fed myself, I’ve been brave.

But now I’m sat in the coffeeshop opposite Jayden’s flat for the third day in a row willing myself to go and ring the buzzer. It has to be today, Sam, because my flight home is tomorrow. Today I can’t chicken out and run away to another tourist destination as a distraction. If I want to talk to him, it has to be today.

I don’t know what to say.

*

He let me in Sam, so I thought that was a good start. It was so awkward having to ring the buzzer in the street and half-shout my name into the intercom. But he buzzed me in, and I took the lift up to the tenth floor, and he was stood waiting at his open door.

“Hi,” I said, awkwardly.

“Hi,” he replied, his face unreadable. “Come in.”

I wasn’t prepared for Jayden’s flat. One wall was made entirely of glass with a view across Manhattan, including a close-up of the Empire State Building. For the first time, it occurred to me that Jayden must have a lot of money. It’s not like he didn’t tell me. But I realised I had no idea where from.

“What do you do?” I asked, staring at the view open-mouthed.

“Finally, she asks.” Jayden sat down on one of the velvet cream sofas, perfectly angled to the view. “Please sit down.”

I swallowed.

“I’m sorry,” I said, shamefaced. “I’ve been so self-absorbed.”

“To be fair, you sort of skipped the basics and delved right into the juicy stuff.”

“Don’t excuse me. I don’t even know your last name.”

“Peters. Hardly worth the guilt. Sit down Daisy for god’s sake, you’re making me anxious.”

I perched on the edge of the sofa.

“You weren’t lying when you said you had money.”

“No,” he agreed but didn’t elaborate.

“I’m sorry,” I said, sincerely as possible. “What I said… it was so cruel. And I didn’t even mean it. I was just… overwhelmed. It doesn’t excuse it. I guess I just couldn’t deal with it all in the moment. I regretted it the moment I said it.”

Jayden watched me for a moment, face passive. And then he sighed, eyes softening.

“Me too,” he agreed.

“Which bit?”

“The bit where I said you weren’t worth it, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. And the bit where I said you weren’t hot because damn, you’re gorgeous.”

I blushed and cleared my throat. “You don’t regret saying… the other bit?”

“Do you want me to?”

A pause. “No,” I said quietly.

“Good, because I don’t. And I meant every word which I know you don’t want to hear.”

“I do.”

Jayden hesitated, looking at me questioningly.

“I do want to hear it. I just don’t know what to do with it.”

Embarrassingly, tears started to well.

“Day… darling, don’t cry.”

He shuffled towards me, took my hand.

“I don’t regret saying it, but I also shouldn’t have said it. I know that doesn’t make sense. I should have been all selfless, ignored it. It’s not like I don’t know why you’re in New York. I put my own needs before yours… I just couldn’t bear the thought of you flying away and never seeing you again.”

I gripped his hand tightly. “I’m not going to ghost you.”

Jayden laughed suddenly, surprised. “It would be quite easy to, from across the ocean.”

“I wouldn’t. And you’re coming back to the UK for Christmas, right? I will see you again.”

He sighed. “Let’s leave it at that then. Staying in touch. Friends. Letting the future do its thing.”

I nodded in agreement, still clutching his hand. Hoping he didn’t let go. I felt… dissatisfied even though it was a situation of my own making.

Jayden let go of my hand and I had to resist reaching out and pulling it back.

“Come on, it’s your last day! We should go out and have fun!”

The prospect made me feel tired, but I nodded anyway. “Have you got something in mind?”

He grinned mischievously and my spirits lifted a little. “Come on Daisy, you didn’t think I wouldn’t have a plan for your final evening, did you?”

*

The plan was Brooklyn which, as Jayden admitted, we had neglected somewhat in favour of Manhattan. We got the subway downtown and then walked across the Brooklyn Bridge. The views across the river, that skyline rising behind us; it was all like something out of a film. There was a feeling in the air; possibility I think. When it feels like whatever is about to happen is going to be good. And it was.

We didn’t talk about what had been said but as we walked across Brooklyn Bridge, he reached out and took my hand back and I squeezed it to let him know it was okay, that I wanted it there even if I didn’t really know what that meant.

When we went to this pop-up bar under a viaduct on the other side, I told him to order me a wine and then I leaned in when he spoke; hoping that those around us would think we were on a date.

When we got a takeaway pizza and sat by the water’s edge, I asked to borrow his jacket when the breeze from the river got a little cool.

And when the most spectacular sunset colours spread across the sky and we both squealed with delight at New York putting on a show for my last evening, I knew by the end of the night that I would have pressed my lips to his.

*

Sam.

Sam Sam Sam Sam.

I wished you’d left me. Cheated on me. Got cold feet and abandoned me at the alter. But you didn’t. You were brilliant and I wanted to marry you, have a children with you, a life with you. But a drunk driver smashed into you as you crossed the road and bam, you were immortalised forever. The lovely man who I nearly married, dead in a nanosecond aged 31. Everyone feels sorry for me because I lost you. And they should, because what a horrific, devastating loss you were Sam.

Only, now what? I didn’t die in a nanosecond, aged 31. I thought I did. Sometimes, I thought I had it worse. Died with you but condemned to keep functioning. Only, I didn’t, as it turned out. I’m here. I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge in the sunshine, holding hands with a man who isn’t you. I’m alive. Living, not just functioning. I want the sun on my skin, and I want to eat really good food, and I think I might be falling in love again. Maybe it’s a holiday romance, maybe it’s more. Did you give me Jayden? Or are you watching me in disbelief, shocked at how I could contemplate falling for someone else less than a year after you died? The problem is Sam, I think in my heart of hearts, I know you’re not doing either of those things. I don’t think you have any idea what’s going on because you’re dead. Gone. And I’m the girl writing notes to a dead man who will never read them. You don’t know I’m feeling things for someone else but if you did, I would tell you how I love you so, so much. I think that there’s a part of my heart that will love you for the rest of my life but there are other parts of my heart that, it turns out, have room for someone else.

Please know that Sam. I know you can’t read this, but please know it all the same. Because I need to tell you how it ends, before I say goodbye. I think it might be time to stop writing to you, but you need to know how it ends. Or how it begins.

*

“So, I realise the last time I made a speech, it did not go well,” Jayden started. We were stood near the check-in desk at the airport. Jayden had picked me up in a taxi that morning and we’d been quiet as we rode out of the city, apart from when I turned around to see that skyline one last time and Jayden had said “you’ll be back”.

My hand gripped the handle of my suitcase a little tighter but I knew I had to let him say what he needed to say.

“Will you promise me you’ll stay alive?”

I was momentarily stunned. “Come again?”  

Jayden looked embarrassed. “I know it sounds dramatic, I do, it’s just, that’s what I was afraid of when I kept knocking on your hotel door. And now you’re flying away and I don’t expect you to text me all the time going ‘I’m alive’. So, just promise me won’t you?”

“I thought I was the worrier!”

“Daisy…”

“Okay, I promise you silly sausage. Was that your entire speech?”

“No… okay here goes. Daisy, I love the way you use words like ‘rampant’ and ‘sensational’ and I love that you only seem to wear immaculately ironed dresses, and I love that one day you just got on a flight to New York. I love that one particularly because I think deep down, despite the crap that has been thrown at you, you still have a zest for life. I love that you have literally tried every food that I have put in front of you but honestly, I would absolutely love for one day, you feel better enough that you decide what we eat all the time. I’d so love to be a part of that.”

“Jayden…”

“No hang on, please let me just say this… I know the timing is all wrong for you, I know you’re confused as hell. I wish I met you a long time ago, or a long time in the future when you were in a different place. But then maybe I don’t, maybe we were meant to always meet now? Maybe we’re just meant to be friends. Maybe it’s all in my head and you can’t wait to get away. But just know, if you asked me to, I’d come back with you now. Because I really, really don’t want you to leave.”

I took a deep, shuddering breath. “I don’t want to either, but we are going to see each other again Jayden, I promise. And I’m not going to curl up in a ball the moment I get home. You’ve woken me up and I want to start living again, or at least try to. We’re going to see each other at Christmas and I’m going to send you pictures of a lot of food in the meantime. Okay?”

It felt strange, like we’d had a reversal of roles. Jayden had always been the reassuring one and now he was the one who looked lost and confused. But he smiled all the same and pulled me into a hug.

“Okay, deal.”

When he pulled away, his eyes looked a little misty.

“See you Daisy.”

“See you.”

He gave my shoulders a squeeze and started to walk away. I stared at his retreating back, a lump in my throat.

“Jayden?” I called, my voice cracking.

He looked back over his shoulder.

“Thanks for saving me.”

“I don’t think you needed saving.”

We grinned at each other, and I gave him a silly little wave before turning and walking towards the check-in desk.

*

Only I didn’t check in, Sam. I stood in the queue with every intention, watching a USA tourist advert that was playing above the desk.

I was thinking about being cautious and about throwing yourself into something feet first and seeing what happens. And as I stood there, watching footage that swooped over the Golden Gate bridge, it occurred to me that when the worst has already happened, perhaps throwing yourself into something with a high risk of it not working out seems a lot less scary. I could be cautious; fly home, send Jayden pictures of food, live in anticipation of Christmas or I could throw myself into the unknown.  

I rang Jayden with the freshly printed tickets still warm in my hand. He answered on the second ring.

“You remember how you said you had a lot of leave saved up?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to come to San Francisco with me? Now?”

“Now?”

“I bought you a flight ticket. It leaves in two hours.”

There was a long pause, long enough to make me doubt myself.

“You’re gonna have to explain to my mum why I can’t come home for Christmas, you realise that?”

“I’ll go over on Christmas day and everything.”

“She’ll probably love you more than she does me.”

“That’s the plan.”

I was grinning then Sam. Stood in the middle of JFK airport grinning like a lunatic. I didn’t think I could feel that happy again.

“So, are you coming?” I ask.

“Of course I’m coming you idiot, I turned around the moment the phone rang.”

I miss you so much Sam. But I have a feeling you’d have wanted me to live my life and not spend it writing notes to you. So that’s what I’m going to try and do. I won’t linger on goodbyes. We never really liked them, did we? It was always ‘bye, love you’ as one of us ran out the door; living our full lives with the unwavering certainty that we’d be there when we got home. I’m so grateful we had that.

Bye, love you x

Thank you so much for reading!